fix the broken soul.

“ni semua duniawi.”

itu kataku. selalu.

pagi ke petang kadang smpai ke malam hidup tak cakna benda lain melainkan hal kerja. kerja kerja kerja. tak kerja tak ada gaji. tak ada gaji tak ada duit. tak ada duit tak ada belanja. dan hidup serba serbi rasa kekurangan sana sini. ultimate nya di sini? kemandirian diri. survival. kerana nak survive maka 5 hari seminggu secara rutin kau gagahkan kaki ke bangunan yang semakin hari semakin menyesakkan kepala minda dan emosi perasaan kau.

ini semua duniawi.

dan bilamana hari demi hari cabaran dugaan ujian datang dalam pelbagai rupa bentuk. kadang buat kau terduduk. penat. alpa. cuai. hanya tak mati lagi. not yet.

kadang2 kau rasa perlu kah semua masalah itu kau selesaikan. untuk bertanya kenapa masalah itu yang datang kepada kau sudah tentu itu tiada jalan yang sempurna untuk ceritakan segalanya. daripada kau korek sedalamnya apa punca lebih elok kau guna masa untuk selesaikan satu persatu yang berhimpun di benak minda mu.

“masing-masing ada masalah sendiri, masalah peribadi masalah dunia.”

kalau kau kalut dan tak tentu arah nak tuju mana satu; kau akan tenggelam lenyap dalam masalah yang timbul. biasa terjadi. untuk berdiri teguh dan hadap semua yang terjadi Tuhan saja tahu bagaimana meronta kuatnya rasa diri untuk terus melawan dan berjuang hingga ke penghujung. mahu penamat yang baik. a good ending walau natijah apa sekalipun yang datang.

dan kadang sampai satu tahap, kau tepu dengan segala apa yang jadi. kau penat. penat sepenat penatnya.

aku mahu lihat dunia dari sisi yang indah. aku mahu bangun dan lihat seri pagi dengan cerahnya mentari dan kembangya bunga-bunga di halaman disirami embun dinihari.aku mahu tersenyum pada manusia yang pertama kali menyapa ku pada awal pagi. aku mahu bersinar sungguhpun gelapnya hari dilindungi awan hitam memberat dengan titisan air. aku mahu rasa bebas; sungguhpun dikelilingi pelbagai tuntutan hidup yang minta diselesaikan satu persatu. aku mahu punya masa; gelak ketawa canda gurau bersama manusia-manusia yang telah lama menunggu ada masa denganku.

di sebalik semua itu; kau rasa aku ada masa untuk membolak balik dunia sendiri dengan masalah yang tak diundang? atau kerenah yang menyesakkan jiwa? sama sekali tak.

serius, kali ini penat hadap perkara duniawi yang mengheret mu jauh ke dalam khayal yang panjang.

dunia ini tak panjang. umur ini tak panjang. masa ini tak panjang. dunia ini hanya satu. umur ini hanya sekali dan masa ini tak berulang.

apa kau rela korbankan bahagia demi derita? sudah tentu tidak. kau gila?

jadi mengapa perlu segala nista ini?

move on. it’s time to fix and mend the broken soul.

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shame on you.

lahai. dah lama tak jenguk. bersarang kerawang dah.

bulan yang panjang. minggu yang panjang. hari yang panjang. ive been here and there. here and oversea. to be honest, yes.

i recall one time when i told myself, “this will be my year. this year will be great.”

and for the past few weeks, it has been nothing but great. seriously. im blessed. syukur alhamdulillah.

well, things weren’t all that beautiful anyway. in all came with some chaos and tiredness, anxiety and anger and so many colors of human beings’ attitude and emotions; nevertheless my own unwell-ness and lost some time at some point.

made it till today btw. was just back from a trip the day before. went straight to work the next day. only to be in that busy line again up until the last hour of 5pm. was supposed to attend a dinner by 7 and seems i am already a bit late decided to just go straight to the venue; without changing yes true.

you can tell i am already tired and really exhausted oh yes. thinking that i am finally about to enjoy my 1 week off i was a bit happy somehow over the edge but you know what; the night was ruined by some idiot who does nothing but picking up noses and ears and everything over my life.

fuck.

and to think that the person what no stranger to you was even devastating. am seriously annoyed and irritated to the max. urgh. this person. no, make it two. get a life will ya?

i never bothered on what happened to your life for God sake. did i ever did anything gravely wrong that you started a war between this once-a-peace-thing-but-now-no-more. apparently thats how it was now. do i still have the heart to forgive and forget? not my other half apparently.

shame on you.

picking up fights like little kids. sangat tak matang. sangat tak bermoral. sangat tak bertamadun.

again, shame on you.

entah salah apa pada kamu dan kamu. lain kali kalau tanpa usul dan periksa elok mulut, dan telinga jaga seeloknya. tak usah bangga korek asal hidup orang lain semata-mata nak jadi CNN tak bertauliah. kau fikir kau siapa? do you think what we have now we owe you? seriously? susah senang hidup aku selama ni kau yang ambil peduli? atau kau lupa jasa dan pengorbanan demi kau suatu ketika dahulu? shame on you. tak usah buka cerita pasal orang lain kalau kain sendiri terselak dan koyak compang camping sana sini. damn you.

aku cuma nak doakan semoga hidup kau aman dan bahagia. aku tak mintak lebih tak mintak kurang. cuma sekadar cukup untuk kau berhenti mencanang mulut busuk kau sana sini. tak ada yang hingin malah hangin dengan perangai buruk kau dan kau.

lagi aku nak cakap. shame on you.

penat-penat aku laki bini cari kerja cari rezeki untuk orang sekeliling aku; cukup-cukup lah kau jaja cerita tak berfaedah kau. semoga Allah Yang Maha Mendengar mengetahui semua isi hati ini.

at one point, kau rasa betapa tak adilnya semua ni berlaku. serious aku sedih. tapi aku rasa ini cuma rasa hati yang terkait malang dan sedih dengan segala macam hal. bukan aku yang berkata tapi kesedihan yang melampau di atas semua yang berlaku tanpa diundang. siapalah aku untuk mengadu domba pada dunia.

damn you. shame on you.

semoga Allah murahkan rezeki kau. semoga Allah murahkan lagi rezeki aku dan suamiku.

alih-alih aku ada rasa dan masa nak menulis semua nya jadi kelam dan sugul kerana kau. memang, kau tak guna untuk difikir selalu.

semoga suatu hari nanti ini semua jadi komedi dan jenaka untuk hari mendatang. aku tak harap ini semua makin membusuk sampai ke tua.

visiting alma mater.

can’t recall the last time i flew, tbh. half of the year seems to fast forward so fast it feels so short but a lot has happened and i am afraid i can’t keep up with the pace sometimes.

time to fly again tomorrow. and guess what; will be visiting the island of my alma mater. oh yes. you know that feeling; that somehow it feels you’re coming back to a place that you once called home? am feeling it now. it feels like im going back to a place so dear to me. though i spent only a year or so there, but it holds such a beautiful memories in my mind. and my heart.

i wish i could bring my parents back there again. just to see how the place grow in time and reminisce our memories.

oh. the good old memories.

but haven’t been in a good shape as of lately. still flu-ish a bit and i hope this state of body doesn’t get any severe for the next few days. or weeks.

in a very mixed feelings right now. excited about tomorrow. anxious and nervous at the same time. worried about the amount of task pending over here. the trip. the debts to be paid in due time. paperworks bla bla bla.

sometimes, i got tired just by thinking the amount of these world-ly tasks that i need to accomplish; living day by day.

lets take this surprise-trip as a little short getaway from all that. take your sweet time, dear self.

lets get back here in 2 days feeling fresh from the island!

Tuesday Tittle-Tattle.

was super super mega tired coming back from work yesterday. can’t seem to stop wonder why all the tiredness all of a sudden anyway.

all i know is that i was knock-off by 9 and waking up this morning only makes my body feels even heavier. and now feeling flu-ish and just praying that i wont catch fever any soon.

i was so energetic and feeling so fresh going to work yesterday, like seriously. part of it was because i managed to finish the translation of 80 pages script despite draining my laptop’s battery and working in less than 7 hours on it. and i managed to prepare all uniform for a week, life feels so easy then for nothing else to worry about on what to wear trust me that is a big deal. did all the necessary laundry early in the morning and we got to have delicious breakfast. marvelous! so i was happy.

until 5pm yesterday. i guess. i have to work on so many things, it feels ridiculous at times. running here and there, upstairs a few times; well perhaps that’s where all the tiredness come from. maybe.

my eyes are half-opened now. i guess so. they feel that way though. a little bit of coffee might give me some kick after this. right, caffeine-deficiency. well, it could be.

gotta go. my brain can’t stop telling there is so much work to be done.

until then.