from the City that never sleeps.

alhamdulillah. my last and final trip for the video thingy this year.

which makes me wanna ponder something throughout the experiences.

just to recall. ive been flying around like crazy starting end of July this year (if im not mistaken). Labuan. Kch. KL. Perth none the less. this month alone i’ve been to KL for the 3rd consecutive time in a row. even the waitresses at Dolly Dim Sum recognized my face for the being such a loyal ‘regular-3-week-customer” yeah. and jetlag sucks.

and this morning I will be flying back home. finally. will stop flying for a while before the final finale of flying this coming December. Penang! (oh i forgot there’s another trip next week, the much awaited holiday! yoohoo!)

so as usual the mind keeps rolling back and forth at all that has happened.

i was tired, that one for sure. being at home for only like 3-4 days maximum only to fly again the cycle keeps repeating and it feels just insane. so yeah i look forward to take some few days off later this week since my sister is around too thanks for the school holidays. when you’re away way too frequent the routine and daily work got disturbed pretty bad i tell ya. i have to return the advances, the claims, bla3. even my tax were not attended to timely so i have to pay for it. that, effing annoying but what to do. im guilty as charged for not being attentive to it. sakit kepala pun tak guna dah ke sana ke sini kejar macam-macam alih2 segedabak jatuh atas bahu. can’t complaint much though. dah memang kena buat siang-siang dah terduduk baru nak dongak kepala. bullshit ini semua.

i wanted to spend time with le family. when work take its toll man i can’t be forgiving myself enough for all the times that i missed not being around the family. the catch-up would be so long i bet.

i’ve been checking up upon myself too lately. apparently i stumble too, at times. when you tried blending in and you blend so well but it turns you’re someone to dig from and whatnot, now there’s like 2 things that i should look upon seriously. one, shut my mouth. i should be more careful on what to say and what not to say now on. i feel like there are days i wanted to just be quiet. just sit at my desk and be drown into my work like that’s the only thing to do. don’t bother other people for while. to filter my mind and my words and straining myself from making look like an idiot at the end of the day. that, is no. 1.

no.2 trust issue. since i have to speak cautiously now than ever; it boggles me. who to trust then? there’s so many political thingy going around. one could say so many things about the others (oh hell i might be included in the loop too gosh i feel bad) and yet can still stand there in front of you like there’s nothing. i mean, i’m so not good at lying this face tells truth transparently. so don’t tell me to tell something else. so yeah, im having some kind of that trust issues now. even someone close to you can’t be relied on. whatever you say is used against you. lets do the “i don’t care” attitude then. pigi dah. because to be honest, there’s no fun being so careful and fearful of your surrounding. what is this? me a refugee? fuck.

i might as well just be careful what to say what not to say and only say the appropriate things to appropriate people. if i think i should why should anyone else says no, right? if i did wrong, then it is my fault that i should carry. period.

crazy rambling. but that’s what has been on my mind lately.

all in all January to October 2017 has been quite a roller-coaster for me. naik gaji naik gred lah dapat APC with the opportunity to set my foot at a place of my dream; meeting people that i wouldn’t imagine that i can be acquaintance with; my little baby that i’ll meet someday in Syurga; enemy-turn-friends but hopefully no such thing as friend-turn-enemy; the war the battle the struggle. man, 2017 should be made into a movie.

i remember saying 2017 will be my year. and somehow slowly i can see how it isĀ  unraveling itself; insyaAllah fikir saja yang baik-baik mudahan yang baik-baik itu nanti akan datang kepada kita.

from the City that never sleeps.

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only. and if only.

let’s just say travelling makes me insomniac. i can’t sleep well when i travel alone. all thoughts came into my head. one after one. hence, 12:34 and i am still up. rambling.

and being a bit on a low side lately doesn’t really help anyway.

*i don’t love you by Urban Zakapa is playing as background music now. can you relate how deep my feelings went tonight?

how i wish i am somewhere else; not here at this moment.

PicsArt_10-03-12.28.23

look at that serenity. i miss that place; by the way.

i mean. being somewhere else. no one knows you. no one bothers you. just you and your business. simple.

no headache of what’s going on tomorrow. the day after tomorrow. next week. next month. end of the year. so on so forth.

why can’t life be just that. not that i am against challenges to be endeavored in life; but sometimes everything just hurdles you down and pin you down and urghh how i wish i could lift everything up and throw them back to where they belong.

but no.

if. and only if. if only life was that simple.

sometimes i just feel tired of everything. that i wanted some fresh air. that i wanted some new start. that i wanted some different view. tired of being the same awkward weirdo. with my unconditional thoughts and says.

sometimes i wish i can just cried it out. all of it. it’s unbearable. you know? to overcome everything and make sure you didn’t give a damn face. that you’ll be okay despite everything. it changes in some way but no; none of that should resemble in any aspects or details of you. just smile and let everything move forward.

but deep inside. Ya Allah. penat. apalah daya seorang hamba. bukan mahu mempersoal takdir atau perjalanan hidup. cuma seketika mahu rasa ringan. mahu rasa tidak dibebani. mahu rasa bebas. bukan hidup atas kata-kata, kemahuan, tindakan; apatah lagi arahan orang lain.

and most importantly, i want to live a life that’s mine. i don’t want to live anyone’s dream, heck no. i don’t wish for someone’s else’s dream. let them have theirs. i have mine, i know. though it may not be as luxurious as what others may have in mind.

and sometimes i went to far thinking; what is this life?

kadang susah yang kau tak terfikir pun akan susah tahap itu suatu masa dulu. i thought i went passed that, but unfortunately no, at times. nak kata senang; senang itu hanya sekelip mata. kau rasa nak gembira dengan kesangsian macam tu? langsung takda keyakinan untuk bikin cerita gembira waima untuk diri sendiri.

i know up to some point i went to do some post-mortem; throwback & checking where my life has brought me to. am i happy with it. satisfied? is this what i wanted? did i achieved what i dream of? is this the right path? have i done wrong some where? am i doing what i am supposed to do? the question goes on and on.

last time i did this; i turn my life to a whole new point of view. i stop where i was and turn my direction to where i am today.

so, question. where will i go this time? which direction?

over the years; i can’t help but admit that people change over the course of time. that, is highly likable to happen and you cant be judgeful saying no, not everyone change. at this point of time, i’m prone to believe that people does. when you’re so small so young so fragile so fresh with the world; when everything is first of its time; yes. you are who you think you are. but as you go forward. life puts you up. life puts you down. you experience things you never would have imagined happening to you. that’s where your life changes. how you wish you would’ve stayed the same all the way; but you’re not. and you can’t. some things just change.

if only it does not.

then i think i wouldn’t have all these kind of thoughts.

circumstances changed. scenarios changed. environment changed. the settings changed.

who i once was may not be who i am at the moment.

i just. want some peace of mind.

things get so hard in life sometimes you feel you wanted to quit everything. but u can’t. there’s rarely such options.

that’s particularly why i am here. rambling.

 

tersudut termenung jauh.

a lot going through my mind, as usual.

“sometimes we just need to admit how good our opponent is.”

kadang-kadang the cycle of life is just too non-stop. u thought u just finished one task, another one is coming; with even greater expectations and limitations that you just need to make it happen no matter what.

sheeshhh.

it’s tiring.

sometimes i feel i cant keep up with everything. i just wanna take everything slow one at a time but time is the enemy often and most of the time.

is this life?

i know that life doesnt come with a complete manual on how to walk on this earth, but if there is; i probably go back to when i was 5 and tell myself to go and read that book.

“dear me,

you will grow up. you will face so many challenges ahead. sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. sometimes you have to learn everything the hard way; sometimes you’ll find your own way to figure out everything. but not all.

sometimes you’ll become the best in what you do; provided you are resilient, persevere, and never give up when everything around you pushes you down.

sometimes nothing seems to be on your side, everything against you. people find satisfaction in knocking you down, seeing you crumble. fret not. life is always, always fair. when you’re down, the most important thing you must remember is how fast can you get up. so get back up. only then you’ll see; that for everything you lose, you’ll be given something bigger, something better in return. you just havent seen the bigger picture yet. so remember that; because for every time you fall down, you must learn how to get up again. and it’s never easy staying up all the time.

while life is so miraculous and inviting and seems to be promising so many beautiful things, kept in mind that you should always be careful with what you wish for. that is one thing. you may not always get what you wish for by the way; but you will always get what you need. be grateful. be practical, be logic, and be rational when you aim for the sky; for the ground is where your foot is all the time. unless you think you are flying in the sky!

never feel that you are alone. sentiasa ingat Allah. sungguhpun ada masa tiada manusia yang bisa menyembuh perasaanmu, ingatlah, pada Dia kau berserah. pada Dia kau bermohon. pada Dia kau cerita segalanya. Dia Maha Mendengar. Dia Maha Mengetahui. dan Dia Maha Adil.

when you wake up, get yourself into positive vibes. for that keeps you moving forward no matter what lies ahead of you for the rest of the day. be cheerful. give people smile. and never to judge anyone like you were seeing right through them. you will learn about people. you will know about the people around you. cherish them. and just be kind to everyone. because you never know how these kindness will benefit you in return in the near future. just be kind and stay positive.”

i can only wish the 5 years old me understand all of these. but surely, i’d be grateful to know all these from a very young age. just to be a better person.

just to be a better person.

suffocating trust issues.

that’s it.

i think i am too overthinking on so many things so many levels.

so today that’s it; suffocating trust issues.

since few weeks back been into so many issues revolving on trust, work, back-stabbing thingy, urghh the list goes on i can’t even think of it.

how does this creep into me i wonder? i was the bubbly all positive optimistic person i rarely listen to all these rumors naysay or even join in the wagon to talk bad about anybody else.

i gotta brush these nasty feelings off me quick. and fast. and eradicate all that soon. i gotta stay true to myself; ignore all the unwanted saying going all around me. stay focus, stay positive and stay optimistic. that’s all.

lets look on a bright side more after this.

fix the broken soul.

“ni semua duniawi.”

itu kataku. selalu.

pagi ke petang kadang smpai ke malam hidup tak cakna benda lain melainkan hal kerja. kerja kerja kerja. tak kerja tak ada gaji. tak ada gaji tak ada duit. tak ada duit tak ada belanja. dan hidup serba serbi rasa kekurangan sana sini. ultimate nya di sini? kemandirian diri. survival. kerana nak survive maka 5 hari seminggu secara rutin kau gagahkan kaki ke bangunan yang semakin hari semakin menyesakkan kepala minda dan emosi perasaan kau.

ini semua duniawi.

dan bilamana hari demi hari cabaran dugaan ujian datang dalam pelbagai rupa bentuk. kadang buat kau terduduk. penat. alpa. cuai. hanya tak mati lagi. not yet.

kadang2 kau rasa perlu kah semua masalah itu kau selesaikan. untuk bertanya kenapa masalah itu yang datang kepada kau sudah tentu itu tiada jalan yang sempurna untuk ceritakan segalanya. daripada kau korek sedalamnya apa punca lebih elok kau guna masa untuk selesaikan satu persatu yang berhimpun di benak minda mu.

“masing-masing ada masalah sendiri, masalah peribadi masalah dunia.”

kalau kau kalut dan tak tentu arah nak tuju mana satu; kau akan tenggelam lenyap dalam masalah yang timbul. biasa terjadi. untuk berdiri teguh dan hadap semua yang terjadi Tuhan saja tahu bagaimana meronta kuatnya rasa diri untuk terus melawan dan berjuang hingga ke penghujung. mahu penamat yang baik. a good ending walau natijah apa sekalipun yang datang.

dan kadang sampai satu tahap, kau tepu dengan segala apa yang jadi. kau penat. penat sepenat penatnya.

aku mahu lihat dunia dari sisi yang indah. aku mahu bangun dan lihat seri pagi dengan cerahnya mentari dan kembangya bunga-bunga di halaman disirami embun dinihari.aku mahu tersenyum pada manusia yang pertama kali menyapa ku pada awal pagi. aku mahu bersinar sungguhpun gelapnya hari dilindungi awan hitam memberat dengan titisan air. aku mahu rasa bebas; sungguhpun dikelilingi pelbagai tuntutan hidup yang minta diselesaikan satu persatu. aku mahu punya masa; gelak ketawa canda gurau bersama manusia-manusia yang telah lama menunggu ada masa denganku.

di sebalik semua itu; kau rasa aku ada masa untuk membolak balik dunia sendiri dengan masalah yang tak diundang? atau kerenah yang menyesakkan jiwa? sama sekali tak.

serius, kali ini penat hadap perkara duniawi yang mengheret mu jauh ke dalam khayal yang panjang.

dunia ini tak panjang. umur ini tak panjang. masa ini tak panjang. dunia ini hanya satu. umur ini hanya sekali dan masa ini tak berulang.

apa kau rela korbankan bahagia demi derita? sudah tentu tidak. kau gila?

jadi mengapa perlu segala nista ini?

move on. it’s time to fix and mend the broken soul.