tersudut termenung jauh.

a lot going through my mind, as usual.

“sometimes we just need to admit how good our opponent is.”

kadang-kadang the cycle of life is just too non-stop. u thought u just finished one task, another one is coming; with even greater expectations and limitations that you just need to make it happen no matter what.

sheeshhh.

it’s tiring.

sometimes i feel i cant keep up with everything. i just wanna take everything slow one at a time but time is the enemy often and most of the time.

is this life?

i know that life doesnt come with a complete manual on how to walk on this earth, but if there is; i probably go back to when i was 5 and tell myself to go and read that book.

“dear me,

you will grow up. you will face so many challenges ahead. sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. sometimes you have to learn everything the hard way; sometimes you’ll find your own way to figure out everything. but not all.

sometimes you’ll become the best in what you do; provided you are resilient, persevere, and never give up when everything around you pushes you down.

sometimes nothing seems to be on your side, everything against you. people find satisfaction in knocking you down, seeing you crumble. fret not. life is always, always fair. when you’re down, the most important thing you must remember is how fast can you get up. so get back up. only then you’ll see; that for everything you lose, you’ll be given something bigger, something better in return. you just havent seen the bigger picture yet. so remember that; because for every time you fall down, you must learn how to get up again. and it’s never easy staying up all the time.

while life is so miraculous and inviting and seems to be promising so many beautiful things, kept in mind that you should always be careful with what you wish for. that is one thing. you may not always get what you wish for by the way; but you will always get what you need. be grateful. be practical, be logic, and be rational when you aim for the sky; for the ground is where your foot is all the time. unless you think you are flying in the sky!

never feel that you are alone. sentiasa ingat Allah. sungguhpun ada masa tiada manusia yang bisa menyembuh perasaanmu, ingatlah, pada Dia kau berserah. pada Dia kau bermohon. pada Dia kau cerita segalanya. Dia Maha Mendengar. Dia Maha Mengetahui. dan Dia Maha Adil.

when you wake up, get yourself into positive vibes. for that keeps you moving forward no matter what lies ahead of you for the rest of the day. be cheerful. give people smile. and never to judge anyone like you were seeing right through them. you will learn about people. you will know about the people around you. cherish them. and just be kind to everyone. because you never know how these kindness will benefit you in return in the near future. just be kind and stay positive.”

i can only wish the 5 years old me understand all of these. but surely, i’d be grateful to know all these from a very young age. just to be a better person.

just to be a better person.

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suffocating trust issues.

that’s it.

i think i am too overthinking on so many things so many levels.

so today that’s it; suffocating trust issues.

since few weeks back been into so many issues revolving on trust, work, back-stabbing thingy, urghh the list goes on i can’t even think of it.

how does this creep into me i wonder? i was the bubbly all positive optimistic person i rarely listen to all these rumors naysay or even join in the wagon to talk bad about anybody else.

i gotta brush these nasty feelings off me quick. and fast. and eradicate all that soon. i gotta stay true to myself; ignore all the unwanted saying going all around me. stay focus, stay positive and stay optimistic. that’s all.

lets look on a bright side more after this.

fix the broken soul.

“ni semua duniawi.”

itu kataku. selalu.

pagi ke petang kadang smpai ke malam hidup tak cakna benda lain melainkan hal kerja. kerja kerja kerja. tak kerja tak ada gaji. tak ada gaji tak ada duit. tak ada duit tak ada belanja. dan hidup serba serbi rasa kekurangan sana sini. ultimate nya di sini? kemandirian diri. survival. kerana nak survive maka 5 hari seminggu secara rutin kau gagahkan kaki ke bangunan yang semakin hari semakin menyesakkan kepala minda dan emosi perasaan kau.

ini semua duniawi.

dan bilamana hari demi hari cabaran dugaan ujian datang dalam pelbagai rupa bentuk. kadang buat kau terduduk. penat. alpa. cuai. hanya tak mati lagi. not yet.

kadang2 kau rasa perlu kah semua masalah itu kau selesaikan. untuk bertanya kenapa masalah itu yang datang kepada kau sudah tentu itu tiada jalan yang sempurna untuk ceritakan segalanya. daripada kau korek sedalamnya apa punca lebih elok kau guna masa untuk selesaikan satu persatu yang berhimpun di benak minda mu.

“masing-masing ada masalah sendiri, masalah peribadi masalah dunia.”

kalau kau kalut dan tak tentu arah nak tuju mana satu; kau akan tenggelam lenyap dalam masalah yang timbul. biasa terjadi. untuk berdiri teguh dan hadap semua yang terjadi Tuhan saja tahu bagaimana meronta kuatnya rasa diri untuk terus melawan dan berjuang hingga ke penghujung. mahu penamat yang baik. a good ending walau natijah apa sekalipun yang datang.

dan kadang sampai satu tahap, kau tepu dengan segala apa yang jadi. kau penat. penat sepenat penatnya.

aku mahu lihat dunia dari sisi yang indah. aku mahu bangun dan lihat seri pagi dengan cerahnya mentari dan kembangya bunga-bunga di halaman disirami embun dinihari.aku mahu tersenyum pada manusia yang pertama kali menyapa ku pada awal pagi. aku mahu bersinar sungguhpun gelapnya hari dilindungi awan hitam memberat dengan titisan air. aku mahu rasa bebas; sungguhpun dikelilingi pelbagai tuntutan hidup yang minta diselesaikan satu persatu. aku mahu punya masa; gelak ketawa canda gurau bersama manusia-manusia yang telah lama menunggu ada masa denganku.

di sebalik semua itu; kau rasa aku ada masa untuk membolak balik dunia sendiri dengan masalah yang tak diundang? atau kerenah yang menyesakkan jiwa? sama sekali tak.

serius, kali ini penat hadap perkara duniawi yang mengheret mu jauh ke dalam khayal yang panjang.

dunia ini tak panjang. umur ini tak panjang. masa ini tak panjang. dunia ini hanya satu. umur ini hanya sekali dan masa ini tak berulang.

apa kau rela korbankan bahagia demi derita? sudah tentu tidak. kau gila?

jadi mengapa perlu segala nista ini?

move on. it’s time to fix and mend the broken soul.

shame on you.

lahai. dah lama tak jenguk. bersarang kerawang dah.

bulan yang panjang. minggu yang panjang. hari yang panjang. ive been here and there. here and oversea. to be honest, yes.

i recall one time when i told myself, “this will be my year. this year will be great.”

and for the past few weeks, it has been nothing but great. seriously. im blessed. syukur alhamdulillah.

well, things weren’t all that beautiful anyway. in all came with some chaos and tiredness, anxiety and anger and so many colors of human beings’ attitude and emotions; nevertheless my own unwell-ness and lost some time at some point.

made it till today btw. was just back from a trip the day before. went straight to work the next day. only to be in that busy line again up until the last hour of 5pm. was supposed to attend a dinner by 7 and seems i am already a bit late decided to just go straight to the venue; without changing yes true.

you can tell i am already tired and really exhausted oh yes. thinking that i am finally about to enjoy my 1 week off i was a bit happy somehow over the edge but you know what; the night was ruined by some idiot who does nothing but picking up noses and ears and everything over my life.

fuck.

and to think that the person what no stranger to you was even devastating. am seriously annoyed and irritated to the max. urgh. this person. no, make it two. get a life will ya?

i never bothered on what happened to your life for God sake. did i ever did anything gravely wrong that you started a war between this once-a-peace-thing-but-now-no-more. apparently thats how it was now. do i still have the heart to forgive and forget? not my other half apparently.

shame on you.

picking up fights like little kids. sangat tak matang. sangat tak bermoral. sangat tak bertamadun.

again, shame on you.

entah salah apa pada kamu dan kamu. lain kali kalau tanpa usul dan periksa elok mulut, dan telinga jaga seeloknya. tak usah bangga korek asal hidup orang lain semata-mata nak jadi CNN tak bertauliah. kau fikir kau siapa? do you think what we have now we owe you? seriously? susah senang hidup aku selama ni kau yang ambil peduli? atau kau lupa jasa dan pengorbanan demi kau suatu ketika dahulu? shame on you. tak usah buka cerita pasal orang lain kalau kain sendiri terselak dan koyak compang camping sana sini. damn you.

aku cuma nak doakan semoga hidup kau aman dan bahagia. aku tak mintak lebih tak mintak kurang. cuma sekadar cukup untuk kau berhenti mencanang mulut busuk kau sana sini. tak ada yang hingin malah hangin dengan perangai buruk kau dan kau.

lagi aku nak cakap. shame on you.

penat-penat aku laki bini cari kerja cari rezeki untuk orang sekeliling aku; cukup-cukup lah kau jaja cerita tak berfaedah kau. semoga Allah Yang Maha Mendengar mengetahui semua isi hati ini.

at one point, kau rasa betapa tak adilnya semua ni berlaku. serious aku sedih. tapi aku rasa ini cuma rasa hati yang terkait malang dan sedih dengan segala macam hal. bukan aku yang berkata tapi kesedihan yang melampau di atas semua yang berlaku tanpa diundang. siapalah aku untuk mengadu domba pada dunia.

damn you. shame on you.

semoga Allah murahkan rezeki kau. semoga Allah murahkan lagi rezeki aku dan suamiku.

alih-alih aku ada rasa dan masa nak menulis semua nya jadi kelam dan sugul kerana kau. memang, kau tak guna untuk difikir selalu.

semoga suatu hari nanti ini semua jadi komedi dan jenaka untuk hari mendatang. aku tak harap ini semua makin membusuk sampai ke tua.